May 14, 2012

A Murder In My Kitchen …

At the height of all the craziness last week with Food Drive prep, Teacher Appreciation production and general life, our kitchen became an horrific crime scene.

Unfortunately, I can’t hide my guilt and must confess that I am a killer. 

I Samantha Lee, dedicated mother, wife and prolific blogger, killed the Jell-o.

I also murdered the walls, the fridge, the cabinets, the carpet going up the stairs, my running shoes, my favorite workout socks, the trash can, the freezer, an entire roll of paper towels, two dish rags, my floor mop, a bar stool, two kitchen chairs, the kitchen table’s front left leg, the hard wood floors AND my ego.

All I had to do was make Jell-o jigglers for a Father/Daughter activity Hannie B. was going to.  I had the Jell-o made and was putting it into the fridge. Some how my depth perception was suddenly rendered obsolete and I missed the shelf, sending the entire 9X13 glass dish crashing to the floor, leaving me, mouth agape, wondering what on the living earth just happened.

Now that I’m a hardened criminal, here’s what I know:

  • Jell-o jigglers {three boxes of Jell-o to two and a half cups of water} hardens very, VERY fast.
  • Red Jell-o is a creation of the devil himself.
  • You don’t actually need a degree of any kind to understand blood splatter patterns. Just kill some Jell-o and have at it.
  • Red Jell-o and carpeted stairs are mortal enemies.
  • It will require exactly five separate styles of mopping to clean up a Jell-o jiggler massacre.
  • There are five separate styles of mopping.
  • Jell-o Jigglers, when dropped at a velocity of 4 feet per second, will splatter in a radius of approximately 15.5 feet, give or take a few inches.
  • The best place to find Jell-o jigglers is frozen solid after sliding into your freezer a mere one minute previously.
  • Toothpicks are handy for removing Jell-o jigglers from the crevices in beadboard.
  • Walking with bare feet on a floor that has been mopped only five times after having Jell-o jigglers spilled on it will result in your pinky toe sticking to the floor at least twenty times, which in turn will require a sixth mopping.
  • One week after spilling Jell-o jigglers on a kitchen floor you will still be finding it in the most unbelievable places. Don’t forget to slide the oven out.
  • I will never make Jell-o jigglers again. Ever.

Don’t judge me for my crimes.  Don’t judge me for making Jell-o.  If you are going to judge me, judge me because the very first thing I did was grab my camera.  Honestly, I was so shocked, I didn’t know what else to do. Immediately after taking this picture, I started a very crazy sob/laugh which lasted all of two minutes.  Then I got to work and didn’t finish cleaning for almost two and a half hours. And there’s still more to clean.

It was truly heinous. I felt psychotic  when I was done. Like I wanted to strangle a box of Jell-o.

Just keeping it real, people.

PS. Don’t let this picture fool you – it looks like liquid, but I assure you, it was positively solid before I could even get to it.


Ronalin said...

Why am I laughing? I can't believe how bad the picture looks. Your jello mess totally tops my OJ spill, I declare you the winner!

Aiketa said...

I guess this is that kind of moments when the mess is that huge that you are blocked and don't know from where to start cleaning... It's stressing!!!

The Queen Vee said...

I have to say that is/was one hellacious mess. A jailo of your own making. In the end all survived except for the Jello which most people think should die anyway.

Apis Melliflora said...

That is one of those spectacularly horrendous Mom moments that you will never ever forget! The picture says it all.

Anyone who's ever had food poisoning will confirm that jello is evil. I can't eat it for that very reason.

Christa said...

Oh my goodness I feel so bad for you. I think you cured me of EVER attempting to make these. Very funny story to tell though. Hope that you are not seeing RED anymore.

TooTall said...

I would not even know where to start cleaning! What did you end up sending Hannah with? Obviously not Jell-o!

Alyssa said...

Oh I cannot stop laughing (in horror!)
That is ONE BIG MESS...and we're only seeing part of it. Oh goodness, bless your soul...


Apis Melliflora said...

I just showed Hugo the picture. He said "That's so cool. Is she going to keep it that way?"

Tobi said...

I was standing in the kitchen doorway when the light fixture in the kitchen crashed to the floor. I saw it detach and fall with kind of a horrific wonder. The light fixture was glass and it shattered EVERY WHERE. For months every time I would sweep I would find a few tiny pieces of glass. Nobody was allowed to walk into the kitchen if they didn't have shoes on.

But I would gladly sweep up glass than try to clean up Jello Jigglers. Sorry about that. Wish I could have been there to help.

Emily said...

Oh my goodness! I thought I was the only one that did things like this. I'm a klutz. I guess you won't be making any yummy jello recipes anytime soon:)

JulieB said...

This is SO awesome, in the worst sort of way. What a nightmare to clean up. Hope all the stains came out.