Seriously? Seriously! (But, but, Butt!)

I don't even know how to write this post because it is actually unreal to me. At the same time, I've got to get it off my chest, so for the first time ever, I'm actually going to use the blog to vent about something that has frustrated, shocked and truly disturbed me. I usually try to steer clear of the political and the controversial -- I leave that up to my dad and my good friend over at The Anderson Zoo. But today you're gonna get an earful!

Yesterday I found out that my oldest child's school teacher (4th grade) is reading a book aloud to the class. Perfectly normal occurrence. No big deal, right? Except that the title of the book is "The Day My Butt Went Psycho". Yes, that's correct, I said butt - as in the slang for behind, rear end, tushie or bottom. I thought surely my boy was mistaken about the title. But he was insistent and restated the title for me (in front our two younger kiddoes) two more times.

The next logical question, of course was "Well, what's this book about?" Said oldest child proceeds to give a far too specific narrative of the book's plot - including details about the "Laxative Launchers" and the "Great White Butt". You've gotta know that we just don't use that kind of language in our house. B-U-T-T is a four letter word here. We've made a conscious effort to discourage irreverent potty humor at all times. It's just isn't allowed. Now I know you're just dying to hear more about this captivating read, so I've pasted a direct copy of the book's description into the blog for your reading enjoyment:

Zack Freeman's butt is constantly detaching itself from his body and running off. One night, when he follows his butt, he learns that there is a plot by butts to take over the world. Specifically, the butts plan to create a huge, world-wide fart by building up a massive quantity of methane gas in the "Buttcano". When the Buttcano blows, all humans will be unconscious. While they are unconscious, the butts will seize their chance and switch places with their heads.

Fortunately, Zack meets the "Butthunter" and his daughter, Eleanor, and is introduced to the realities of life in a world where butts are constantly a threat. To prevent the "Buttpocalypse", the friends enlist the help of the Kisser, the Kicker, the Smacker and Ned Smelly. The characters encounter a variety of butt-related places and things, including the "Great Windy Desert", "flying butt squadrons", Stenchgantor The Unwiped Butt and the Great White Butt.

It goes without saying that I almost fell off my chair when I read this synopsis on the internet. Almost. Fell. Off. Chair. I was seething. In fact, I'm pretty sure there was smoke coming out of both my ears and my face was all smooshed up and red like you see in cartoons. I immediately told the sweet oldest child that I would be having a talk with his teacher. He responded in horror and embarrassment, but after I posed the question "Would you feel comfortable reading this book if Jesus were in the room?" he relented and said he knew what I had to do.

I didn't mention to my son that parents across the country had actually praised this AWARD WINNING book - seriously, had given it five out of five stars - for helping their "reluctant reader" sons to finally get interested in books. They didn't mention, however, that now they have to find more books for their sons that stoop to the lowest levels of vulgarity just to keep them reading. Yay for them, there's a sequel that has something to do with 'Zombies from Uranus'. No, I'm not kidding.

I am so disappointed. Disappointed in the teacher's choice to read this book to the class. Disappointed in the stinkin' author who's making money off this trash. Disappointed that this book actually won an award - which probably means parents will buy it for that reason alone. Disappointed that kids think this is great reading material when there are some truly amazing books out there for kids, and especially boys, right now. Disappointed as an English teacher and book lover that we've gotten to a point in our society where we willingly pass of the crass and private as public domain for children to mock and laugh at. Disappointed that my kid actually thought it was funny and paid close attention to what was being read. And really, really disappointed in myself for not asking more questions sooner about what kind of books the 4th grade teachers are reading to their students.

We Northern Virginians pride ourselves on our excellent school systems. This is actually the first time I've had to "take a stand" on behalf of my children in the educational arena. I was pretty freaked out last night when I realized I was going to have to "take on the system" to some extent. But regardless of that fact, I went ahead and sent a very direct email to my son's teacher at about 1:00 AM, not knowing how it would be received or if it would even make a difference.

I am relieved to say that his response to me was completely apologetic in every way and included phrases such as "lapse in judgement", "no intention to cause offense" and "great desire to enforce and enhance parental teachings". He immediately ceased reading the book to the class and thanked me profusely for coming forward with this concern.

Moral of the story: Stand up for your kids and for what you believe to be right. Be an advocate for your children and their education. And keep your finger on the pulse of the classroom so you can say that you actually know what is going there.

Before I get off my big bad soapbox, I wanted to provide the ONE negative reaction I found to this book on the internet last night. It was written by an educator who was substituting in a FIRST GRADE California classroom where a teacher had left "The Day My Butt Went Psycho" to be read to the class. Please read it - it is exactly how I feel about this entire situation. (I know this post is long, but if you've read this far, you can read just a little bit more.)

I'm done now. I promise I won't blog about anything controversial for a really long time. Maybe tomorrow I will post pictures of my hydrangea bush that's blooming out of control. Because that's happy, and normal and has nothing to do with butts.